John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.
As in blowjob or cannibalism?
I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
Believe it or not, Travis and I simultaneously breaking beer bottles over eachothers heads was not a good idea.
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I would compare it to a jeffrey but in smoothie form. More drugs in here than Bobby Brown's sock drawer.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
See I insist I'm not a groupie and then I say things like "will bang for a backstage pass".
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