In the future we'll all be gay
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
I need to bang the neighbor boy. He’s given three women screaming orgasms this week alone.
Also, my apartment walls are too thin
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