Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
dude she looked like Newman from Seinfeld I'm done with this wingman shit
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
Woke up at noon, still drunk, naked, with another girl next to me. When she wakes up, I'm gonna have my SECOND lesbian experience with her. How's your 2015 going?
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Randomize
