He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
He said my labia gave my vagina a "cute personality"
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
Ugh did we play golf last night and did you by chance hit my head with a club or a ball?
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
I should have listened to my dad and mean girls... If you have sex you'll get pregnant and die.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
Randomize
