i think the cat found all the blow we lost...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.
going on a mission to find my pants and the guy who stole my beer don't wait up
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
Remember last NYE when after the 9th shot of tequila you went on full crazy mode and made out with the 50 y/o doorkeeper? and he called you the next day?
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
