Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
Just saw the true definition of the muffin top and camel toe all on one person at the DC zoo... Tried to take a pic but she got away..
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
I slept with a married guy last night and then broke my toe on the doorframe on the way out. I've never seen karma work so fast.
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
Either that or he's gagged in a strangers trunk right now.
Well I suppose either way he's learning a pretty tough lesson right now.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
