I murdered the dance floor call the cops
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
is it mean that i live tweeted about whether or not my roommate and her bf were having sex or were wrestling?
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
Apparently at 2 AM I decided to let the world know about my newfound love for elephants
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Randomize
