She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!
Just got kicked out of the ocean for being "unsafe".
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
He passed out while I was riding him, and just when I was about to call it quits he opens his eyes and squeezes my boobs and goes Honk! Honk!
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend
its like a catch 22, sucks that you've stopped, but its like a vagina high five
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
I'm shaking a cocktail while in bed. Is that bad?
If you can't beat em, make them send you dick pics so they can't do anything stupid again.
It's almost like he's actually taking my commentary and criticism to heart, but simultaneously succumbing to some primal urge to wear less clothing each time.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
i still cant feel my toes or walk straight...its been 2 days.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
Randomize
