Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
Did i throw a brick at someone last night?
I guess I gave him a 20 minute play-by-play of the first three sections of R. Kelly's 'trapped in a closet.'
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Which is worse that I came in public or that no one noticed?
I accidentally mass texted his dick pic. Not only to my friends, but to my dad as well...
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
