when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Okay I take that back some girl just said pussy sweat. Get me outta here
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Sweet tea and masterbation. It's how I manage.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
An orgasm and grocery shopping is the appropriate start to every Monday.
Evidently I placed three booty calls at the same time...it was an ugly scene. I'm never getting that high again.
There is a video of you making out with him, flipping off the camera, and holding the plastic flamigo that you had just stolen out of a yard
I'm seriously considering selling my books back early. I don't use them anyways and I could really use the beer money..
Randomize
