I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
we saw you sitting at the door of the dorm trashed, wrapped in DANGER tape with a stolen balloon around your wrist
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
Wearing Navy dress whites to a wedding is like having a magical panty removing device. I've never cockblocked a whole room just by existing before.
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
Randomize
