so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
i just saw an ambulance and a fire truck pull away from the dorms. it appears somebody actually IS feeling shittier than me today.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?
She said she forgot something.. and when she came out she was carrying a garden gnome, and a bottle of vodka. she was too hot to question it.
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
I feel worse lying to the guy I hooked up with than I actually do for cheating on my bf
so I'm walking to my last final while opening my giant red bull and i look over to my right and the guy beside me had one too and was looking back at me. without missing a beat he pulls out a bottle of jager, pours half in mine, half in his and goes "cheers"....i'm not even mad i probably failed my final
Randomize
