I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
I swear it started with good intentions but then my slutty side took over and we started playing strip checkers
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.
I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that
God damn him and his understanding ways and little hip muscle things.
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
It was an "I snuck in through the window at 5am with my underwear in my pocket" kind of night.
YOU ARE TAKING ADVANTAGE OF MY INEBRIATED STATE
YOU ARE DRUNK AND USED AND SPELLED THE WORD "INEBRIATED" CORRECTLY. I AM TAKING ADVANTAGE OF NOTHING.
I CAN'T HELP THAT I'M MULTITALENTED YA FUCKER
YOU LET ME GO HOME WITH CREEPY RON JEREMY?!?
...and?
I hate when you're right.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
