Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.
just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
She just had to change the song on the radio cause I was tap dancing on her windshield
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
Filthy. I need to be power hosed with holy water.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
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