Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
so my mom just told me that she wouldnt pick me up and take us to taco bell at 3AM...
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.
I cannot believe this. A potential 2016 Olympiad wants my vag. To which I respond "GO FOR THE GOLD"
you have to be that girl in the audience holding up the sign that says i fucked the shit out of you
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
I'm a great relationship counselor. My vagina will let you know if your relationship is gonna work or not.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
and you fell through a lawn chair
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
Randomize
