I think i really like him...he was super cuddly and kept me company.
stop. you already have a dog
Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.
babe, don't say it like that!
I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
No, he's ok. He just broke his teeth on the stripper pole. No biggie.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
i could only love him more if he was covered in glitter.
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Nothing kills the mood like opening another guy’s dick pic in bed
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