My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Every time you buy a sobe you buy a bong.
bet u 5 dollars u can't guess were i woke up this morning
oh god.. jail?
better, on the catwalk of the auditorium
We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
yeah that bottle of rum is only the second thing I want that kid to be pulling out of his pants
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
You know it was a good night when you wake up w/o a shirt in someone elses living room next to a pancake on a spoon in a bowl of spaghetti.
CyberMonday=Bulk Condom Shopping For 2018
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
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