Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
of course! give me a few hours to recover from chugging a 4loko out of a frisbee, and it will be rage time yet again
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
The dog just sneezed and it sounded like a person, after I said bless you I freaked the fuck out and got the gun
He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.
Hey, I'm 22. I'm allowed to have a sex life and you're going to hear about it.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Just letting you know that I just spent 11 dollars on a car wash... Because you had sex in my car.
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Something is wrong here. The birds are chirping and I'm not fucking you, I'm not getting head and I don't smell bacon. Why am I up this early then?
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Randomize