I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before
The last shot i remember taking was toasted to "love, sex, and magic". Needless to say I was 0 for 3 on that toast for the night.
I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
Her ass is the reason I still believe in a higher power
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
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