I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
No. I still stand by my previous statement that nachos and tequila is the breakfast of champions.
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Its a Guy he gets weed for. I'm kinda confused as to why there are going to even be tuxedos involved at all.
My Mom printed off all of my Augusts text messages. Apparently I've been drinking WAY too much and having an intermediate drug problem. I have to go home everyw weekend for the rest of the semester
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
A little sexual choking never killed anyone. And if it did, they died happy.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
Seriously, he's as bad as Joffrey. I hope this ends like Game Of Thrones did.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
You can’t judge a dick by its balls.
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