What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
i cant be the least bit upset about his new gf cause all i think is that she has to put things in his ass
You would get kicked out of the study lounge for being drunk the monday of finals week
No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
Thanks for buying me a sippy cup, its so pretty and everyone keeps telling me its probably the best gift anyone could have given me
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
He knocked me over backwards in my chair. I had a beer in each hand. Didn't spill a drop.
I forgot that I'm high because of how high I am.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
Randomize
