Please don't use social media to get back at me.
operation have a gay friend backfired
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
i actually texted him "nice to see you" but then there was a saved draft "i think about you when i get off." dodged that bullet...
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
I know I don't have feelings for him because I feel completely ashamed every time after we have sex
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I think my moral compass just broke
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
