There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?
No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I HAVE A FLAME THROWER. COME SEE IT. IT’S SAFE AND WORKS.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
Clothing is a burden necessitated by propriety.
Randomize
