I didn't shave. On purpose
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
I wonder if he just picks random boners to send or just the realy impressive ones
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
