he started yelling "this is my pussy" mid thrust
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I told you, she may have multiple personality disorder, but like in the most upbeat way possible.
I can't sleep. Send Llama pictures.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
wasn't that the evening we made out with the girls from the dental school, drank 3000 beers, almost had to beat up a guy at the strip club and James nailed some hot piece of tail and took her OSU windbreaker, which my dad went on to wear multiple times after finding it in the garage.
Yes. To all of that. Yes.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
