We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
So she said she wears a diaper when she's on her period and I'm not going to lie, I kind of want to see the diaper.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
It's fucking New Year's. I can be soberish in 2013 after tonight. It's like the 30 years of grey area between Jesus' birth and death.
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
I may or may not be sitting in a bubble bath drinking wine, watching Jurassic park, and wearing a Russian fur hat.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
I got St Patrick's Day drunk on Friday and apparently ordered a Total Gym in the middle of the night
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
