Just got laid for the first time in 3 yrs, 10 mo, 1 wk & 2 days. YESSSS.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
all i wanna do is drink skittled vodka, fuck my gf, and pass out in my neighbors hot tub naked
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
I just tried to order ice cream on my bagel. I think I should just call it
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
You left your phone here
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