she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
Joe is yelling at the trees again.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
legit been throwing up since 7am. told my parents the two bowls of puke in my dorm were soup
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I don't trust myself to shower and not drown.
Im part way to drunk.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
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