something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
Someone had to wrestle her in the chocolate pool, I'm glad I was man enough to step up and do it
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
