...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
she fascinated with the iron the back of the toilet seat. she made me sit in the bathroom with her for a solid 10 minutes while she just stared and laughed at it
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
I just made kick ass drunk stir fry while taking care of three other drunk people and doing shots. I don't understand how that's not wife material
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn
Ask him to get me chedder bratwurst instead of the molly
Unless if you guys already left. Then I want the molly
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
She can be as judgemental as she wants. But she thinks the female orgasm is a myth so who is really winning here...
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
You sent me a pic of you peeing in two separate directions
and like half a dozen dick pics
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