ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech
It was an 11am booty call. We were both out of our element.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
I need to hump something and I know u understand.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
I saw that you sent me a photo and the first thing out of my mouth was "I swear if it's another photo of a dick poking out of a bubble bath"
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
What part of I just want to watch porn, eat Taco Bell, and masturbate did you not understand?
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
i just read a article called "Booze, Drugs, and Bipolar Disorder"... i think someone is writing the memoirs of my life
Randomize
