I just had one of those nervous system things in my thumb...I'm pretty sure I have cancer.
She actually asked me 'is it in yet?' I deleted the vid.
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
Jail wasn't bad. Was poppin Xanax the whole way there
Sometimes I look at the people in school that are obviously very diligent and on top of their studies, and then I wonder why they don't smoke weed.
WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
I'm literally in the bathroom for two minutes and I walk out to a random dude with his face in your tits
It got weird I got a phone call while looking at porn and the video started playing while on the phone full on porn audio.
I melted cheese on my pizza rolls. When I die make sure someone melts cheese on my rolls.
Disclaimer- Don’t worry about my wounded nip. I put a bandaid on it.
Randomize
