I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Are you responsible for the syringes and miniature cactus garden that has magically taken over my fridge?
I suppose I should wish you a happy one year of bumping uglies
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
When she tells her friend, "hey I'll be back tomorrow, just going to fuck a guy", right in front of you, you know you've got a winner.
Is it customary to send a 'thank you card'to someone who gave you awesome oral as a gift at your housewarming party?
I just asked my mom if I could be the drunk realitive at the reunion. She said as long as I'm not obvious.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize