new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
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