i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
I have all these new brothers and sisters I'm just now finding out about
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
You should frame my arrest warrant.
We are totally like Jim and Pam, except ya know, drunk and not together anymore.
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
Randomize
