ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I think I ate my cheesy fiesta potatoes cup.
There is a drunk marine passed out on my porch. Mandy wouldn't sleep with him, Can you please come remove him?
he's the second guy to suck on my nipple in front of my friends that i haven't made out with.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I cried at the bar for 30 minutes because I got my arm stuck in my sweater. I got free drinks for the rest of the night after the bartender helped me.
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
