I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
Do you have a shampoo for semen
Or a time machine
You basically tried to anal probe my passed out friend with a lamp
I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
Finally washing the shoe scuff marks off my front windshield :( bye bye memories
Hello and welcome to the game 'Matt needs weed'! Rules are simple: first one to find a bag wins the fabulous prize of getting stoned with yours truly. Thank you for playing and good luck!!
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
I think it's important to not involve Bar Food in any near future decisions.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
If I wasn't planning on spend the rest of my life with you I wouldn't send you so many nudes, so fucking appreciate it
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
Randomize
