I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
I tried to throw up out of my window but I forgot there was a mesh screen.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
no more heavy drinking durning the lady that cleans the office told me i have to emtpy my own thrash if i puke in it
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
I wonder how long it will take her to realize that I peed in her night stand.
Randomize
