i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just want my birth control to stop making me feel like I'm watching baby seals get clubbed to death any time anything even remotely unpleasant happens lol
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
Your grandma changed her Netflix password :(
All I wanted to do was come home from work and masturbate for national sex day... I sliced my the tip of finger giving myself a pedicure so I can’t even do that #singlelife
Randomize