i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
banged a milf last night. she left right after cause of parent teacher conferences this morning. victory.
Mom is so high she had to turn off the ceiling fan because it was going too fast and it freaked her out.
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
You drank the pool water to get rid of your hiccups
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