I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
The bed I'm sleeping in has a headboard only handcuffs could love. I'm gonna pick up a local dude and wreck that.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
How much do souls cost? I feel like I need one if those.
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
