In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
her facebook's as public as her vagina
He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned
It's Friday afternoon and I'm drunk. This is how I cope.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
I think I just pulled an onion peel off my boob from sleeping on their kitchen floor
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Just walked into the supermarket puking into a plastic bag while wearing my favorite Bob Ross shirt. I am a human disaster.
Randomize
