Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
google maps should a have a setting for this. like I AM ABANDONING EVERYTHING TO MEET A GIRL WHO IS 10 HOURS OF MILES AWAY. HOW DO WE DO THIS OPTIMALLY?
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He started screaming when he saw my dog. He thought it was a polar bear
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I just swallowed confetti and motor-boated some guys beard...#happy2015
Yeah. We had phone sex then cried together, it was beautiful and heartbreaking
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