he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Ultimate Fighter Idea. You and I both have unprotected sex with the same girl in the spam of days. Whoever the child belongs to, wins and that child is the ultimate ultimate fighter.
How high are you?
Do you remember using the vicegrip to demonstrate how wide your penis is?
I don't care how hungry or impatient you are. the highest setting on the microwave is 100% and you better not take it appart to add power. This is not the Enterprise.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
Fuck you and fuck your stupid hat
I mean...he danced with his dick still inside of me. What more could a girl ask for?
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Randomize
