you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
We're gonna have screwdrivers in a cab at 4am?
Is that weird?
It's a 'fuck poison control' kind of night.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
Is that a question you really want to ask or do you just want to tell you that I can't walk without feeling like my legs are collapsing underneath me
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Shame is for Republicans.
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