I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I'm so high that I'm intently watching my neighbor move his car back and forth in order to put his motorcycle in the garage, and getting irritated that it seems so complicated.
God, please protect all woman from micro-penises
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
I can't tell if this is a hangover or just a perfect combination of shame and regret
We broke my graduation cords last night when we used them to tie each other up during sex last night
He's actually really cute and seems like a good guy. And given that he likes lots of drugs, he could come in handy.
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
I tried making my own red bull with crushed up caffeine pills, bubbley water and flintstones chewable vitamins. The ER doctor sead I'm lucky to be alive.
Randomize