I'm waiting for seagulls to eat this throw up
My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
She tied me up with her honor cords...
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Does this mean I don't have to apologize for launching about 20 bead necklaces at you from the balcony?
There's hot sauce all over my mirror, lamp shade and dresser. Also it's your turn for weed
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
Do you congratulate someone for having bigger tits, or is that a no no?
My snow day: told Cam, "we're not dating today, we're just roommates." No bra, boxers, drinking whiskey by myself for the past 2 hours, yelling at The Ultimate Fighter reruns from 3 years ago.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Okay penises are actually pretty exciting. The people attached to them are an entirely different story
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
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