After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I just watched a stripper purchase $43 of Rockstar and corn nuts. Godamnit! We need helmet cams.
We have a shopping cart in our front lawn. Also Mickey D's breakfast?
Well, while we went through airport security, I found out Mom got her clit pierced, so there's that.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
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