what if every blade of grass was a penis?
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
I've never danced to a Michael Jackson song in a bar and left alone bro. Something in girls loves a guy who dances to mj
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
According to him, i kept saying "I'm belligerent as SHIT" and tried to run around the house in just my bra and underwear. Thats when they decided to carry me to the car and take me home.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
He just made this face while he was fucking me and he looked like the hunchback of Notre Dame, I had to stop him.
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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