I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I stuck my fake eyelashes to his balls after he passed out.
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
What happened to my face?
You kneed yourself in the eye during the Harlem Shake.
It was impressive.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
The logic in me says "don't text him" .But the vagina in me says "text him".
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
