There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
considering I showed up there after a xanax, 2 bottles of champagne and some coke, no shirt and someone else s husband... I'm sure you can figure that one out.
My mom just blew pot smoke into my nose and called me a cat.
Also pregame at mine tomorrow?
In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub
As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I think my nap took me to another dimension
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
We had sex on a dog bed..
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He started yelling terms of endearment at a cheese sandwich. Then he tried to hump it.
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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