My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.
Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.
Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
Thanks for loaning me your shower and panties. My hubby is awesome, but I shouldn’t go home commando, smelling like lube and sperm again
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