i effing cant stand that stupid soul the new way to roll hamster commercial. everyone im with is laughing and now hate them all.
Last night I ate the rest of the salsa with my hands. And i DONT have a hangover? Glorious.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He was having this drunk emotional breakdown and I was just trying to cheer him up but instead fell and dumped the whole pickle jar on me
It was cool though because he was fine afterwards and somehow I convinced them I did it on purpose...
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I can't. I'm going camping this weekend. I do have a life outside of your dick.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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