I hope my margaritas pass through security.
ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...
let's be real here, you have a beautiful vagina. this kid is a doctors son. that's a remedy for beautiful rich grandkids. he is just trying water his family tree, and make sure he doesn't end up in some piece of shit adult home. go for it.
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Is the Chairman of the College Republicans throwing upon your toilet right now? 'Murica!
And when I feel bad about myself I go to the library and suck my pen over an open book, counting the seconds until a guy sits across from me and tries to get my attention
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Randomize
