I'm currently googling how to make a dress out of a trash bag. It's going to be a great night.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
"DO YOU LIKE FLYING KITES" WORKED AS A PICKUP LINE. SUCK IT.
I'm not sure. But a mason jar of drug free urine just as soon as anyone can would be so awesome.
I don't need my coworkers thinking I'm a nutcase.
You gift wrapped a tampon.
The only thing I had in my freezer before today was patron and cheese.
So far in 2016 I told someone id give them a blowjob for lasagna.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
Thank god for Taco Bell keeping you out of jail
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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