I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I just dont understand why you didnt cut me off when I took the funnel into the bathroom and started peeing and funneling at the same time
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
If you were a real friend you would have told me you saw me in a porno despite how awkward of a convo it is. You act like I should always know when I'm being recorded.
I could have made money off of that but no you had to wait 2 years to drunkenly tell me this shit.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
Make way for the handjob queen! She will grab what she wants, when she wants, and from whomever she wants.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I'm Michael Phelps, Olympic Champion.
Are you just smoking weed? Cause that's not actually a Michael Phelps costume
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
Congratulations! We have a period
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