I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Some days you just pee in a stairwell and go home.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Hooking up with him was lovely.. but waking up in his bed the next morning and finding double stuffed oreos... I mean.... I won
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
never have sex with a mint flavored condom on. my vagina is on fire.
She tied me to the bed and did lines off my chest before sex. I’m going to put that on my bucket list just so I can cross it off
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