I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
I'm in your room because it's a safe space. Is it ok to pee in here?
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
The internet was right. Snorting muscle relaxers is awful
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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