Seriously. Doesn't matter if I went out last night, work is like crafts class w.a side of facebook
a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
My usual answer of have sex with it doesn't work in this situation
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
He fell asleep cradling my ass and every time I moved he adjusted his hand accordingly. I've found the one.
PLEASE LET MY BIRD FUCK YOUR BIRD
Jus pulled over and stole. Corn out of a. Field. ... get on my level
Randomize
