so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens
anal on a first date. tsk tsk.
WORST DINGLEBERRY EVER
We dont have to go to dinner or anything gay like that. I just wanna do it.
I absolutely love you.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
death bed.
death patio
stfu you slept on the patio!?!
Yeah, everything was going great until the mugging.
Randomize
