i wonder what megan fox's vagina feels like.
Heaven soaked bacon.
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I ate the last cupcake. I'm sorry. It was in the refrigerator mocking me. So I ate it. And it was glorious. But I'm sorry.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Today I had sex and flossed at the same time. My relationship goals have been exceeded.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
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