I bet he comes in French.
He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
I think drunk me is telling hungover me something... I just have to crack the code.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now
She looked up at the menu and yelled this is my absolute favorite literacy
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
New war strategy! The ex-girlfriend of my ex-girlfriend is now my twice a week booty call!
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
