ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.
I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.
your like the ambassador to my penis.
I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Two months ago an unknown man was in my bed and now he is my boyfriend and he has 1.6 million in the bank and he buys me things because I only have $4.35 in my bank account
It could happen to you too!
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
ok give me a pep talk, I want a hotdog but I'm too stoned to go make it
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
