I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...
And they lived happily ever after....
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.
They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
Would be in best interest to sanitize the DVDs
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
Randomize
