I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
the jail released me with 39 mardi gras beads. I need details.
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.
there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.
We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Bourbon is too strong for my cat, he does not want to drink it
Don't worry my mom is buying me a vasectomy for Christmas
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Randomize
